How to not embarrass your teenage daughter!

Some time ago, I wrote a hub article in fun titled How to embarrass your preteen daughter, which has pretty widely viewed. I don't know why, but I presume it's because many parents are like me and find themselves confronted with this awkward concern. So, based on the rapid changes that happened when my daughter became a teenager, I thought it only fair to address the perils of embarrassment, and how to move from overt teasing to the acknowledgement, validation, understanding and respect a teenage girl is trying desperately to ask for.

My knowledge and understanding of my daughter evolves daily, and I'm continually humbled and surprised with what I thought I knew, and didn't. So this hub is for her - my beautiful, intelligent, amazing daughter - and by extension, the parent of any teenage girl who is going through this awkward and exciting time of life...

With all respect to my affection for humor, the feelings and impressions my daughter feels are real to her. For anyone who watches "The Office" periodically, there is such a thing as too much inappropriate goofiness. "That's what she said ..." has become a modern day catch-phrase for ill-devised, unfunny comedy. That said, here are some "do's":

1. Do talk with her. Even if she has a dour expression or doesn't seem like she wants to, do it anyway. Try to relate, and not force what you want upon her. Listen and don't judge.

2. Allow her to make decisions. It's not reasonable to expect her to behave as an adult when she goes off to college if she's never been allowed enough rope to live with her poor decisions (within reason, of course) and be proud of her good ones.

3. Show affection in reasonable, adult ways - hug, smile, a short affectionate kiss. But no big, silly, emotional animated crazies - especially in front of others. She's just not into Barney anymore...

4. Don't try to change her attitude about being appearance-obsessed. She is. It's part of being a teenager. Often, I think it's you - the parent - who needs to get over it. Certainly, she probably spends too much time in front of the mirror primping, but just teach her to get herself up and start getting ready earlier, so the whole household's not frustrated waiting for her!

5. Watch unrealistic expectations you may be giving her. She may begin looking more like an adult, but she is not. When you're not looking, you may find her playing with her Barbies or watching iCarly (not my daughter - this is hypothetical, you understand!) You didn't go from child to adult overnight, and neither will she!

And of course, there is quite a list of "don'ts", which include:

1. Are you so seriously out of date with your style that she's embarrassed to be seen with you ... or are you trying to rile her, because it's funny to you? Just pay a little attention to your wardrobe, and dress accordingly. I can't tell you how many times my daughter has buttoned the top button of my shirt (only to have my girlfriend unbutton it later ... ;-))

2. I pulled out a baby photo of my daughter and put it up on the wall for her 13th birthday party sleepover. I thought it was endearing. She ... not so much. In about seven years, it may be cute again, but not right now. Oh, and no naked baby pictures. Ever.

3. "Word." In a word, OMG, don't say it. There's no way we as parents can "be one of the boys or girls". We're not hip (which isn't a hip word, I know), and chances are if we heard a cool-sounding word last week on Gossip Girl, it's no so cool this week. Lingo stays a year, a month, a day, or seconds ahead of what we just said. If you want to kill a new fad word as a parent, say it often enough, and it's sure to die a quick death! 'K, homie?

4. Don't make them wear clothes they don't want to in public (i.e. the new sweater or hat you just learned to knit!).

5.  Never dance in public, if they are within any kind of distance where someone might think you're related...

6. Don't refer to friend get-togethers as "play dates". They and their friends are just "hanging out", or "coming over."

7. Don't try to get matching outfits to wear with them. It doesn't matter if you think it makes you look hot! It'll make her ditch you for her friends (especially if you're her father...)

8. Don't videotape them in embarrassing moments (i.e. singing karaoke) and put it on the internet!

9.  Don't forget to laugh with them, and ... 

10.  Don't forget to tell them "I love you."

Really, embarrassment, like all human emotions, has its place, and as Psychology Today reports, "Your Most Embarrassing Mistakes Did You The Most Good". I think being playful is always good - life's too short to be stiff and serious all of the time. The key is being appropriate. At this key age, I don't want to negate my daughter's feelings, which are powerful and real to her - sometimes, I wondered if people were a bit aghast at my flippant commentary in How to Embarrass Your Preteen Daughter!

I think my kids are both perfect as they are, in whatever stage they are. Much of the time, I feel like my job is like a sailor: to just stand back, let the wind blow, set the sails and stay out of the way; once in a while stepping in to adjust their rudder, but for the most part letting them be themselves.

And that's a good thing.

~ G

PS - also read How to Have Fun With Your Son!