Instilling Integrity in My Children

Sometimes the universe presents you with circumstances so clearly connected, and in such a short window of time, you know you're getting a clear message. Only this time, the recipient of the message wasn't me; it was my son.

It started with an article in the paper earlier this week about a man named Xavier Alvarez, who over a span of many years, represented himself as a 25-year veteran of the U.S. Marine Corps and received the Medal of Honor as a result of rescue efforts during the Iranian hostage crisis. He said he had been shot in the back while trying to save a U.S. Flag in Tehran, he was also shot down in a helicopter while in Vietnam, and he later played professional hockey for the Detroit Red Wings.

All of which, it turns out, were lies.

So, he was charged under the Stolen Valor Act of 2005, signed into law by former President Bush, which made it a Federal offense to falsely claim to have received a Medal of Honor or similar military decorations. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to probation and community service. Then, he thought about it and appealed anyway to the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeal, on the grounds of free speech. The court, in its ruling stated, "we have no doubt that society would be better off if Mr. Alvarez would stop spreading worthless, ridiculous and offensive untruths, but .... we presumptively protect all speech, including false statements." As a result the Act was declared unconstitutional.

This past week, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to decide the matter. The ruling of the Supremes may simply determine whether the Act itself is constitutional, or it may address the larger matter of whether the First Amendment protects lying.

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"Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting in a particular way." ~ Aristotle

As with most of my hubs, I'm writing it as a personal journal, which I choose to also share with the world. This topic is very important to me. Like anything truly important, it requires thoughtful consideration, action and reflection.

We all want honesty and integrity in people around us. We think we possess it, and we think far too many people around us do not. This stems from a mistaken belief that our intentions are governing for ourselves, but the actions of others govern them. Which means realistically, others can't win. What if we were to flip that premise: Judge others by their intentions and ourselves by our actions?

Which brings me to the matter of my son. I received a pretty animated call from his Mom, who was fuming because she had caught him in a lie. The issue itself wasn't important - in fact, it was kind of a sweet motivation he had toward a friend, but then he lied about it when she confronted him, and then lied some more to cover up the first one, followed by a third, etc. etc. So she wanted all kinds of draconian punishments, which I sometimes have to just deflect until I've had a chance to consider an appropriate, thoughtful approach.

In the end, I decided that it was a big deal, regardless of the motivation, especially when he was given an out - the opportunity and ability to tell the truth, but decided against it, choosing instead to cover it with more of the same. Lies can become deeply imbedded into a person's character, so much so that exaggerated examples like Mr. Alvarez above, are allowed to flourish. I'm not saying that I think a small fairly inconsequential lie is tantamount to stolen valor. But there at least a thread of a connection. And I don't want that to recur.

If my job as a father is to help to accentuate the good and redevelop the bad, then I guess this was one of those times. We all need to be able to speak the truth and be authentic, at the time when it is most appropriate to do so, and not be afraid of the consequences of doing so. So many things in life depend on quality of character.

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"A liar needs a good memory." ~ Quintillian

"It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

So what did I do? First, I agreed to her proposed punishment involving a takeaway of something he wanted to do. But then I added to it my parable approach. Anyone who knows me knows that I frequently use movies, shows and books to illustrate points. If I meet someone who hasn't seen a lot of movies or read a lot of books, I don't really know what to do with them. For example, I may tell someone to do the opposite like George Costanza or run like Phoebe.

So I spoke with him at length about how important honesty is, but what's even more important is the larger, broader issue of integrity, which is beyond honesty. It is an adherence to principles of being ethical, moral, having values and character, and a clear disciplined sense of self. And then I checked out my movie queue, and saw "A Few Good Men", recorded only a few days earlier. "You can't handle the truth," shouted by Jack Nicholson's Colonel Jessup is now embedded in his head.

The next day when I picked him up, my son said he'd had to deal with multiple examples of dishonesty that day, like he was receiving a message from God. Perhaps he was. Those things happen sometimes.

There are no guarantees in raising kids. There are no guarantees in life. I don't know whether this will have any impact whatsoever on him. But at least I tried, in the best manner I knew how. And with that I can rest in assurance that at least for today, I did the right thing as a father, and that he had the best model of integrity I knew how to convey: my actions matching my intentions.

So if nothing else, I can sleep peacefully tonight resting in that knowledge.

And that's the truth...

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"So near is falsehood to truth that a wise man would do well not to trust himself on the narrow edge." - Cicero

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." ~ Mark Twain