Worst Songs For A Gondolier

I'm working on my newest book, a male version of Eat Pray Love where I go to Tibet (and have to RUN from the Chinese authorities), Peru (where I have to deal with bug bites and have to continually SCRATCH myself), and then to Venice (where I become a Gondolier and SING to hordes of lucky tourists.

Only, I want to be distinctive. You know how those Gondoliers are always crooning sappy love songs, in the hopes smarmy couples in the boat will ogle each other, toss their clothes into the Grand Canal, make love on the crushed velvet seats and then name their brood after them. So, I decided to come up with a list of songs I need to memorize in advance of my excursion so I'm fully ready. After all, the world needs to hear my updated, Italian version of "Jimmy Crack Corn" to a new generation of lovebirds!

I do have a karaoke machine at home (which means I'm well-versed on anything by Bread and Air Supply, but "Baby I'm-A-Want-You" is just too easy of a target). So I went through my mental lists of potential songs to sing when I arrive, to make sure I'm fully versed in a litany of American classics to entertain these crazy kids. Here goes:

What better way to start my serenade than by emulating these wanna-bes, amped up because they stole a video camera, rented some tuxes, tied up some old rich dude at a marina and then hijacked his yacht, so they could screech out some of the most ear-splitting crap you'll ever have the displeasure of hearing - if I practice I'm sure I can emulate their trite, erratic hand gesture that makes intelligent folk develop instant visual diarrhea. Not exactly sure how a producer ever watched or listened to this and thought (a) let's record this, (b) let's distribute this to the music-buying public and see just if someone will buy this turd. But they did and people bought it!

You ever have a buddy go into his fridge, pull the lid off some piece of moldy tupperware and gag, then turn to you and say, "Oh my God, this is horrible. Smell this!" ... ? It's a bit like that.  So I figure, what other Gondolier is going to try to pull this one off? As attractive young couples stare blissfully into each other's eyes, I artfully peel back the tupperware lid. Hey, what were the chances it'd work out anyway? Here's the "video" below. Smell this:

For my next number, what boat ride could be complete without a pirate segment, to let them feel like they're out on the dangerous high seas? I figure something full of salty bite like the ballad of Captain Kidd would hornswaggle the young lasses:

My name was William Kidd, As I sailed, as I sailed,
My name was William Kidd, When I sailed,
My name was William Kidd; God's laws I did forbid,
And so wickedly I did, As I sailed.

I murdered William Moore, As I sailed, as I sailed
Oh, I murdered William Moore, As I sailed,
I murdered William Moore, and laid him in his gore,
Thirty leagues from shore, As I sailed.

And being crueler still, As I sailed, as I sailed
And being crueler still, As I sailed
The gunner I did kill and his precious blood did spill
As I sailed

"The Chicken Dance"

Yes, there are actual lyrics to this gem of a wedding dance. I figure I'd follow-up my rap and sneer with this special traditional happy dance - I'll have to practice a lot to figure out how to paddle and steer my boat through the narrow canals while flapping my arms and singing:

I don't wanna be a chicken. I don't wanna be a duck.

I don't wanna be a chicken. I don't wanna be a duck.

So I shake my butt. na na na na na na na na na na na na

Once I have my two love birds hugging tightly onto each other to keep from being tossed overboard by the mammoth waves caused by my artful dancing, it seems only natural to shift the mood. Help them capitalize on their newfound closeness. Savor the moment with the beautiful, inspirational, constantly smiling music from the hit series....

You can thank me later.

By now, my plan will be working so beautifully, I'll surely have them eating out of my hand, so it only seems natural to merge right into:

Havin' my baby

What a lovely way of sayin'
How much you love me
Havin' my baby
What a lovely way of sayin'
What you're thinkin' of me

Ahem. Couldn't a card have done the trick? I can't wait to cast a knowing wink at the guy from my Gondolier perch while crooning this gem.

As I make my way back to port with the young lovers, it only seems natural to finish with a nautical flourish. To commemmorate their magical voyage (and simultaneously remind them to improve their nutritional fitness), I'm left with the memorable voyage song from the one-eyed, strong-forearmed, pipe-toting spinach-eater himself:

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm strong to the finich, cause I eats me spinach.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

I'm one tough Gazookus, which hates all Palookas.
Wot ain't on the up and square.
I biffs 'em and buffs 'em and always out roughs 'em
but none of 'em gets nowhere.

If anyone dares to risk my "Fisk", It's "Boff" an' it's "Wham" un'erstan'?
So keep "Good Be-hav-or", That's your one life saver
With Popeye the Sailor Man.

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
I'm strong to the finich, cause I eats me spinach.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

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OPTIONAL: "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" - Culture Club.

On request. :~}